Saturday, April 30, 2011

Solitude

I want a place to run and hide
  I want to leave all my troubles behind
     I don't regret what happened
       I don't regret what I did
         I regret what you said
            I regret how you spoke to me
              One day I will find the right one 
                 I will then change my ways
                    Only then there will be
                                                                   peace

Friday, April 22, 2011

In a year's time

    How do you know when someone isn't coming back? How do you deal with losing someone who was the best part of your day? How do you walk around the house knowing you don't have those tiny paws that you have immortalized time and time again aren't following you? How do you lye in bed knowing that little ball of fur you live for isn't at your side, nestled under the covers wrapped tightly in your arms? How do you move the things she once used; her crate, her dishes, her toys, her pillows, her blankets? Where do you put them? Do you leave them in their place hoping she will come running down the stairs and into your arms? Do you move them into the garage to catch dust out of eyesight instead of inside the house where you can be reminded of her memory daily?

    I now know that after a year she isn't coming back. That her crate in my room is catching dust, isn't going to be inhabited again. Her dishes have since been moved out of sight into the garage, her blanket now has a home on my bed post and her pictures loiter my room. Her ashes sit on my top shelf, in  a beautiful urn i haven't seen in a years time for i haven't taken her out of the box.

    Today i am buying a new dresser that will go in my room where Belle's crate is. My puppy's crate will go into the garage to catch dust out of sight. Today I will also take my little Bellerina's urn out of the box to show it's beauty. I can no longer bear the sight of these things, I miss her too much but one thing is for sure, I will never forget the impact Belle had on my life and the eternal love she gave me on a daily basis.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

White Oleander by Janet Fitch

I don’t know how to express that being with someone so dangerous was the last time that I felt safe.” -Astrid









"Don't attach yourself to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention because you're lonely. Loneliness is the human condition. No one is ever going to fill that space. The best you can do is know yourself... know what you want." -Ingrid


"Everybody asks why I started at the end and worked back to the beginning. The reason is simple-I couldn’t understand the beginning until I had reached the end. There were too many pieces of the puzzle missing, too much you would never tell.” -Astrid


She would be half a planet away, floating in a turquoise sea, dancing by moonlight to flamenco guitar.” -Astrid
"The pearls weren't really white, they were a warm oyster beige with little knots in between so if they broke, you only lost one. I wished my life could be like that, knotted up so that even if something broke, the whole thing wouldn't come apart." -Astrid
in a perverse way, i was glad for the stitches, glad it would show, that there would be scars. what was the point in just being hurt on the inside? i thought of the girl with the scar tattoos at the crenshaw group home. she was right, it should bloody well show.” -Astrid

Simple Magic

The world is full of magic,
Ours for the making and ours for the taking
Don't look with your   
                                             eyes
instead; 
                                                                   see
 with your soul
grasp the colours of the trees,
 feel the wind caress your cheek 
and whisper in your ear
 become bewitched
                               by a child's laughter, 
see the knowledge in a seniors eyes
Appreciate 
the simplest things, for no day is like another

Exeunt

Not another word to leave your lips
Unless, however,
That word brushing along the tips
To grace my ear is "yes".

Monophobe

Touch me, Mould me, Change me
Make me into anything                          
Poison my thoughts, Taint my vision
Alter my reality
Take me away
Alienate ourselves for an eternity
Let's Journey to a place only for us two.
                                                 What would we be without all the lustre?

Friday, April 15, 2011

Cooties

Cooties

This is James. James got terrible news today. He found out about an awful disease called “cooties” where you turn into a zombie that is controlled by brain eating aliens.

This is Anna. Anna is a potential carrier of cooties. You see all girls have cooties but only boys will turn into zombies that are controlled by brain eating aliens if they touch one. This also includes extended lengths of eye contact.

While playing grounders on the playground Anna tagged James, infecting him with cooties!

James screamed as loud as he could and ran to his teacher.

“Ms. Smith! Ms. Smith! Anna tagged me in grounders and now I need a cootie shot!” James cried
“Oh James, I am afraid that I’m all out of cootie shots but if you go to the nurse’s office I’m sure she will have some spares.” Ms. Smith replied

James walked as fast as he could to the nurse’s office down the hall so he would not break the no running in the halls rule.

“Nurse! Nurse! Anna tagged me in grounders and now I need a cootie shot! And Ms. Smith told me she was all out and that you had lots!” James cried even louder now.
“Well James, let me have a look in my special cootie shot drawer and see if I can find you one.” The Nurse replied.

The Nurse then rustled through the drawer and told James.
            “I’m sorry James, but you see, I only have cootie shots that will work for little boys with blonde hair and brown eyes. And you have brown hair and brown eyes.”
            “I’ll dye my hair blonde and then give me the shot please Nurse, please!” James begged. The Nurse giggled a little then said,” James I am sorry but that just won’t work! I’m sure somewhere they have cootie shots that will work for you.” James gave a half smile at his new found hope and then ran off to the Hospital faster than lightening!

            “Ms. Recep-Recept-Receptionist ma’am” James stuttered,” I need to see the doctor right away! Anna tagged me in grounders and now I need a cootie shot! And Ms. Smith told me she was all out and that the Nurse would have some but she was all out too! So I thought for sure the hospital will have some!” The Receptionist looked at James confused and then burst into laughter! She banged her hands on the desk! And stomped her feet on the floor! Her nose snorted a little like a piggy!

Feeling hopeless little James ran home. When he got home his mom was there waiting for him with a plate of chocolate chip cookies and a cup of milk. James ran to her and cried.
            “Mom! Anna tagged me in grounders and now I need a cootie shot! And Ms. Smith told me she was all out and that the Nurse would have some but she was all out too! So I though for sure the hospital would have some but the Receptionist laughed at me. Now I am going to become a Zombie that is controlled by brain eating aliens!” James’ Mom looked at him and smiled. She rolled up his sleeve and said,”Circle, circle, dot, dot, now you have your cootie shot.” James sniffled a little bit and smiled! He was not going to become a zombie!


Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Daughter of Darkness, Sister of Light

I am the daughter of Darkness, sister of Light.
My eyes esoteric, my hair wicked, my soul heinous.
I am disfigured and dysfunctional
Father is heartless, so proud he is of a daughter such as I
So foul a pair we are

My sister, my foil
Her eyes luminous, her hair radiant, her soul gentle
She is gracious and faultless
Mother is angelic, so proud of a daughter such as her
So stupendous pair they are

(persona)

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I am nothing

I am the girl who has nothing
look at me, laugh at me, gawk at me, yell at me, scrutinize me
I am the girl who does nothing
always busy, but never accomplishing anything
I am the girl who says nothing
Every time i open my mouth nonsense comes out
I am the girl that loves nothing
never letting anyone close in on me
I am the girl that means nothing
appearing as a bright star while slipping through the cracks


(persona)

The Mirror

She didn’t used to be like this, looking in the mirror Marlow scrutinized the
woman glaring back at her. Her yellow teeth once sparkling white. Her hair used to fall
into soft perfect curls which are now frizzy and wild. Time was her enemy, always
ruining anything positive in her life. Her love life was not much better as boyfriends
always traded her in for what they would call a ‘newer model‘.
“Have I really gotten that old?” Marlow asked herself. Studying her once youthful
and beautiful face she saw crow’s feet lining the sides of her once luminescent blue eyes.
Her shrivelled lips, permanently wrinkled brow and limp auburn hair was a depressing
sight for Marlow. Looking beyond herself and through the mirror she glanced at her
nightstand where she had set out a bottle of sleeping pills and a bottle of Jack Daniels to
wash them down.
“Where had I gone wrong?” Marlow wondered, “was it after I had Marissa?”
Marissa’s father could be one of the many men Marlow had met while working at
Lucky Lou’s bar. She had been tending bar there for twenty years. This is where Marlow
fell under the influential pull of drugs, alcohol and temporary men. She recalled the day
she was given her toxic job. Every smell, sight and especially her first encounter with Lou
himself.

“So you want a job here huh”, Lou asked.

“Yes I do”, Marlow replied promptly.

“What’s in it for Lou if I give you a job tending this here bar”, Lou bargained with
his whiskey stained breath.

“A hard worker, who knows her way around a bar.”

“Just how hard do you work exactly”, Lou grimaced, satisfied with his perverted
inquiry.

“I may work the night shift but I am not a lady of the evening. I’m a bar hand,
looking for a job. I have seen that your help wanted sign has been up in the window for
over a month now. So you need me and I need you on a strictly business level. Now do I
have the job or not”, Marlow shot back. Lou smiled his yellow toothy grin and retaliated.

“Of course you do sweetheart, and you will come around. They always do.”

“When do I start?”

“Tonight and sweetie make sure you wear something real tight and showy.”
Lou looked her up and down while licking his lips and slicking back his thinning
black hair.
“Real tight, show us what you’re made of.” Another shiver went
down Marlow’s spine.

‘Alright then, see you tonight.”

“I’ll be counting the minutes until I see your pretty face again sweetheart.”
 
Turning to her side Marlow stared at her seemingly too thin translucent frame.
Gone was her shimmering tan. Gone was her beauty and youth that she saw reflected
perfectly within her daughter.
“God help her if she turns out anything like me.”
Flexing the little arm muscle she had, she stretched the mermaid tattoo she had gotten one
drunken blurry night in Tijuana. A couple months after having Marissa she dropped her
off at her mom’s house for an ‘afternoon visit’ that lasted three months. How Marlow wished she could take that time back, too late now, she was always too late. Walking over
to the night stand which held her pending death, she slowly opened the pill container,
shook a handful out and popped them into her mouth. Then took a long hard swig of Jack
Daniels to wash it all down.
After swallowing the contents of the pill bottle Marlow began to feel the effects
of her body slowly shutting down. She stumbled out of her dark red bedroom and into the
small yellow kitchen to call Marissa to apologize and say goodbye.

When mom called me, I knew something was wrong. She always did this but this
time something was different. She kept going on about how sorry she was that she
couldn’t have been a better mother. Typical. But there was banging in the background,
something shattered then silence.
I had to walk home from school along the leafy sidewalks and through the
magnificently coloured trees. There was a crisp chill in the air, making my bones shiver.
It was all I could do to keep warm with a tattered jacket and torn mittens. When I had
finally reached the edge of our front lawn I noticed things I didn’t normally. The lawn
hadn’t been cut since August when my mom’s last boyfriend, Skip walked out. He was
tall and handsome, but just like all the other men that had walked in and out of our
lives.
 
The ten steps to our front porch felt as if I was crossing the Atlantic. Our
beautiful old cottage needed a new coat of white paint and the cement was cracked and
filled with clover. The charming rose bushes which lined the cement walkway needed to
be watered and tended to, but were still beautiful. Roses always reminded me of my
mother, like the ones from our garden, beautiful to look at but dangerous to touch.
 
She didn’t used to be like this, she was luminescent and dazzling and when men
saw her they couldn’t take their eyes off her. Now, she was wasting away and nothing like
the woman I was once so close with. We used to do everything together and our sad old
front porch was proof of that. In front of our old worn wicker chairs, where we used to
drink hot chocolate and watch as the leaves fall from the trees, was the wind chime we
made out of old spoons, forks and crystals. My small blue handprints were still above our
copper door bell which was ‘indefinitely out of order’ as my mom would call it. In other
words it was never getting fixed. As I walked up the two creaky steps of the porch I
noticed our hand painted welcome mat, we couldn’t afford a real welcome mat so we
painted the porch floor instead. We worked all afternoon on it and it still looked amazing,
even though the ‘W’ was wearing away into a misshapen ‘V‘.
 
Slowly I pulled my key out of my white book bag and slid it into the keyhole. I
was bombarded with memories of how many times I had come to her rescue. I was all she
had, and she was all I had. Cautiously I turned the handle and opened the door to our sad
little living room which contained only an old TV set and a dated smelly couch from the
70‘s. That’s when I saw her, lying on the floor covered in shards of glass from our
sliding door, still clutching the telephone.
 
All my blood began rushing to my head, my mouth parched and my hands were
shaking as I ran towards my mother, using the wall of our tiny hallway for support. I
began screaming and crying at the same time. I was furious with her for doing this and
uncontrollable sobs came from my chest at the fear of losing her. I fumbled to get her
away from the glass but, when I dragged her out from the mess I just kept
cutting her even more. I didn’t know whether or not she was going to gasp for air and
look at me with bulging, shifty eyes like she always did or if she was really gone.
Steadying my hand I gently brushed away her messy hair from her face and placed my
two fingers against her neck to check for any life left in my mother.
 
Nothing, she was really gone this time. I sat there in silence, cradling my mom in
my lap. Hot tears ran down my face, if I called 911 they would just take her away from
me. I wasn’t ready to lose her, not yet. Looking down at my mother I saw her differently.
Her face was calm and her lips were stretched into a tiny smile and the wrinkles in her
brow were smooth. She was at peace.
That day I know my mom went to heaven, where she will be waiting for me with
open arms. She’ll be healthy and excited to see me. We will be far away from our old
cottage that needs a new coat of paint, Jack Daniels and Lucky Lou’s. It will just be my
mother and I, for all of eternity.